On the final night of a recent trip to New York, I was feeling a little, shall we say, randy.
So I decided to reach out to a guy I had gone on one semi-successful date with to see if he fancied a Netflix-and-chill night.
At 29, he was a tad too young to take seriously, but good lord, was the man attractive. This short king had a well-groomed beard and the most cheeky eyes you’ve ever seen.
Perfect for the occasion I was seeking.
He responded at lightning speed (Why is it always the “You up?” texts that get the quickest response?) and was ringing my doorbell barely before I had showered and tidied the place up for a sexy visitor.
Everything was going smoothly — until he unzipped his trousers, and I was suddenly face-to-face with a situation so extreme it could’ve been classified as a medical anomaly.
It. Was. Huge.
After some deep breathing (and a THC drink for courage), we gave it a go. But the poor man wasn’t just packing — he was a full-blown tripod. After a few failed attempts and the crushing realization that I wasn’t going to get any real enjoyment out of this experience, we called it quits.
Instead, we settled in for Uber Eats ramen, an episode of “The Traitors” and a cuddle.
I know. Wild.
Fast-forward to a bachelorette party the following weekend, where the topic of “big ones” inevitably came up. I shared my encounter with “Tripod Man.” (Yes, men, we do occasionally discuss your, uh, attributes. Oh, and if you’ve ever sent us a d–k pic, there’s a solid chance our friends have seen it. What can I say? We’re curious creatures.)
To my surprise, every woman at the table agreed: bigger is not better. In fact, the consensus was clear — a well-proportioned, circumcised member trumps an oversized one any day.
“You know what’s worse than a massive one?” one of the girls piped up. “A massive one with zero clue what to do with it.” And honestly? She had a point.
It’s like a model who coasts on her looks instead of developing a fun personality; sure, impressive at first, but not exactly satisfying. The same goes for some well-endowed men. They’re more “ta-da!” than actually putting in the effort to show us what they can do with it. Grim.
In fact, I’ll go as far as saying I’d prefer a small one over a massive one. At least with a smaller one, you can refine your skills in other areas; I’m talking tongue work, technique, strategic angles.
But with a big one? It’s just there. Looming. Menacing. Pointing at us.
Then, just when I thought the conversation had peaked, one of the girls — a nurse at a plastic surgery clinic — dropped a bombshell: men are actually getting filler down there.
Yes, like lip filler, but for their, um, assets.
It’s just there. Looming. Menacing. Pointing at us.
Apparently, it’s to increase girth, and an increasing number of men are also undergoing full-on lengthening surgeries.
For the record, those procedures don’t come cheap. Dermal fillers for girth enhancement can cost between $3,000 and $10,000 and require top-ups every couple of years. Surgical lengthening procedures, which involve cutting the suspensory ligament, can run between $10,000 and $20,000, with no guaranteed increase in function.
And, crucially, while these surgeries might add an inch or two in length when flaccid, they don’t always enhance performance or appearance when erect.
So, if I could tell men one thing? It’s really not necessary! The obsession with size is completely overblown — literally.
And science backs this up, too (thanks, science!) A 2015 study from the University of California found that most women prefer penises that are slightly above average in size, but not excessively large. Which, for those as curious as me, Medical News Today states that the average size for a flaccid penis is 8.8 centimeters (3.5 inches), while the average size for an erect penis is 12.9 centimeters (5.1 inches).
How many of you blokes are getting out your rulers right now? Ha!
Another study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine concluded that while size might matter visually, it plays a much smaller role in long-term sexual satisfaction.
I guess you could say it’s all about the “motion in the ocean.”
And let’s not forget the other side of the equation.
I remember one of my gay friends going through a heartbreakingly sad breakup because his partner’s equipment was just too large. As a bottom, he simply couldn’t make it work. They tried everything, but some things just aren’t physically possible.
And since sex is important in a relationship, they had to part ways. Devastating.
So, I never thought I’d say this, but perhaps we should spare a thought for our larger-endowed men. Turns out, having a big one isn’t always a big win.
In fact, sometimes, it’s the biggest problem of all.
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