The Hammer wasn’t up for the job.
Armie Hammer has revealed that he once tried his hand at hooking up with a man, but the affair was a flop.
The 38-year-old “Call Me by Your Name” star, who fell from grace after facing allegations of sexual assault, rape and cannibalistic fantasies, shared his confession while talking about bisexuality on the latest episode of his podcast, “Armie HammerTime,” which dropped Sunday,
“I tried hooking up with a dude one time,” Hammer said, adding, “it was hilarious.”
The actor made the decision to experiment with his sexuality because, as he put it, “Gay dudes seem to have it so easy, like, so easy!”
Parroting a cliché narrative about gay hookups, Hammer then seemingly played the role of a gay man telling the story of a casual romp.
“I’m at a restaurant, my phone blows up and it’s like Grindr, and like someone else is like, ‘I’m at the same restaurant. Do you want a blowjob in the bathroom?’” Hammer said, apparently in character. “And you’re like, ‘Hey, guys, I’ll be back in five minutes.’”
Hammer’s perception of gay sex as being easily accessible and with no strings attached led him to think, “You know what? I’m going to give this a try.”
“Like, maybe this actually works,” he continued.
Recalling his ill-fated same-sex assignation, Hammer said, “I met this dude. Handsome. French. You know? The whole thing. I was like, ‘Okay, this could work. This could work. Yeah. Let’s try this.’”
But the man’s facial hair and physical size turned out to be non-starters for him.
“I remember I started making out with him, and I just remember being like, God! Beards! Oh I get why women like it when you shave!” the “Lone Ranger” star added. “Like, this thing is f–king rough. Like, how do I get in there?”
He went on, “I remember I put my arms around him and I was like, ‘Oh my God! And these shoulders are so wide! He’s so big! He’s almost my height. Like, this is so strange.’”
“It did physically for me absolutely nothing,” he said. “Nothing, like, not even a twitch.”
The hookup continued to go downhill, as Hammer said that despite things “getting hotter and heavier,” he was “going through the motions and like not feeling anything.”
The actor also said the man he was with “reached for my d–k,” which prompted him to respond, “You’re not going to touch my flaccid penis. Like, this is not going to happen.”
“I was like, you know what? I got to stop us here,” he said, capping off the story.
Hammer was shunned from Hollywood over the allegations of assault, rape and fantasies of cannibalism that began to surface in 2021.
Two women Hammer allegedly had affairs with while married to ex-wife Elizabeth Chambers were later interviewed for the documentary “House of Hammer” and claimed the star sent them messages describing his cannibalistic fantasies.
The Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office subsequently investigated for possible sexual assault.
Hammer, who consistently denied all allegations of sexual assault and rape, was ultimately not charged, as the LA District Attorney decided there was not sufficient evidence against him to support a trial.
Hammer detailed his podcast’s mission statement on his Instagram, saying he aims to host “long-form, interesting conversations with people who have tools or skills or have acquired wisdom… that I don’t know [and] I want to learn.”
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