A family therapist has revealed the most common problems he helps patients overcome in each decade of their life – and how they do it.
Jeff Watson, 55, an associate marriage and family therapist in San Leandro, California, has been working with people of all ages for four years.
He says each stage of life presents common problems – from commitment issues in your 30s to worrying about your mistakes in your 60s.
But the registered associate marriage and family therapist – who helps people face relationship issues, anxiety, depression, addiction, life transitions, grief and loss, trauma, LGBTQ issues, and PTSD – has offered his top tips to face common psychological issues at every decade.
TEENS
Watson says the biggest struggle for teens is developing a strong sense of “self” – and he advises they do this by focusing on hobbies.
“My advice to teens is to find your interests so that helps you with your wants and needs.
“High school years are about figuring out your roles — what your place is within your family and social circles.
“It’s also what you learn about relationships—it’s a relationship laboratory.”
20s
Watson says most young men and women in their twenties struggle with challenges discovering a clear path.
“They struggle with a difficulty in finding a direction in life,” Watson explained.
“One tip I always have is ask yourself what was the first thing you remember that inspired you when you were young.”
He added: “Many people in their twenties are learning how to have protected and safe relationships.
“If someone is struggling with a loss of trust and they don’t trust the world — which is very common in people with early trauma — I work with them to try and find what inspires them.”
Trauma can leave lasting imprints he said and added: “A lot of people come from extremely traumatic backgrounds and families who did not care about them whatsoever. And it’s apparent in later life.
“I will work with them first to make them understand and really examine the patterns that have come out of that trauma.”
Even career choices can play a role in shaping social connections.
“Your choice of career can also affect this stage,” he explained. “For example, if you choose a job that doesn’t have a lot of coworkers, that could affect future relationships with people.”
30s
A common emotional difficulty in our 30s is deciding to commit to relationships and intimacy he says.
Watson’s tips include making a pros and cons list, and trusting your got.
“You’re going to attract the right person when you are ready for it,” he said.
“If you’re hesitant about relationships, I always recommend making a pros and cons list.
“I really believe in pheromones and mirror neurons, and our bodies will tell you when you’re ready, or they’ll tell somebody else when you’re ready
“So, if you’re hedging your bets, telling yourself, ‘I’m not too sure if I want to be with somebody,’ then don’t. But if you’re ready for it, you’ll know you’re ready.”
40s, 50s and 60s
Entering middle adulthood, Watson says a common issue those in their 40s wrestle with in therapy is whether they have achieved ‘enough’ – known as “generativity versus stagnation.”
Generativity is making a positive impact and contributing to the world, versus stagnation – feeling stuck and unproductive.
Watson’s top suggestion is finding new pursuits to reignite passion – and think back on what you felt as a kid.
“Go back to what inspired you as a kid,” Watson advised. “Chances are, you’ve forgotten because you’ve been in a job for so long.
“Many start questioning whether they’ve met their goals. Some move forward with solutions, while others fall into stagnation.”
As people enter their 50s and early-to-mid 60s, the reflection on life’s purpose and impact becomes more prominent, he said.
His top tip was to maintain autonomy and control.
“A lot of people in this stage struggle with meaning and purpose,” Watson noted.
“Engaging in activities that offer control — like woodworking, bowling, or tennis — can help rebuild autonomy.”
65+ beyond
Watson says the most common worry in therapy at this stage is worrying about past ‘mistakes.’
“There’s a lot of reflection going backward and seeing where perhaps you went wrong,” Watson explained.
Watson stresses the importance of self-reflection and self-love in achieving peace – rather than tearing yourself up.
“If you aren’t able to do that, then you end up having full of fear and despair for the rest of your life.”
Watson notes that many struggle with despair because they haven’t fully integrated the lessons they’ve learned throughout their lives.
“Unfortunately, a lot of people go into despair because they haven’t been able to integrate all the lessons that they have learned throughout their lives.
“If you can reflect with grace and self-love, you’re more likely to find integrity rather than fear and despair.”
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