Commanding personalities
As summer approaches, don’t forget your history. Here’s a presidential lesson or two.
John Quincy Adams — despite his great last name — was fierce, haughty, unforgiving. Also cold, austere. Swam naked every morning in the Potomac. Nice. Would make Putin look like a Hallmark valentine.
Cuddly Andrew Jackson. “Old Hickory” resolved differences with fists and a sword. Think Nancy Pelosi in long drawers.
Martin Van Buren. Smooth talker, perfumed dandy, loved making speeches.
1837 William Henry Harrison about whom even Mrs. Harrison couldn’t remember.
James Polk. Democrat. In his early days, palled around with Francis Scott Key, “The Star-Spangled Banner” author. Wherever they are now they’re toasting Taylor Swift.
1841, VP John Tyler suddenly becomes president. Mild-mannered. Constituents fretted he’s incapable of running the country. During his tenure 618 banks closed. One term only. He has since reappeared in the persona of Hunter Biden’s daddy.
Zachary Taylor. Helped establish the Panama Canal which now we’re trying to schlep back from Panama.
Millard Fillmore. Nothing about him that worked except that he finally got out of office. I mean where are you going with the name Millard?
James Buchanan. His book was titled “Mr. Buchanan’s Administration on the Eve of Rebellion.” Only dogs pored over it.
Abraham Lincoln. Nine thousand movies made about him. Now the subject of the about-to-win-a-Tony “Oh, Mary!” Everybody’s played him but Dolly Parton.
Andrew Johnson had a tailor shop. So did my grandfather. Johnson became president. My grampa not.
Ulysses S. Grant’s political knowledge — small. Booze intake — LARGE. Had he exhaled the Rockies would’ve been pebbles.
James Garfield. Republican. July ’81 shot by a crazed disappointed office-seeker.
Chester Arthur. Told, “drop the nomination as you would a red-hot shoe from the forge.” His run for the nomination halfhearted.
Grover Cleveland. Ran amok. Fathered an illegitimate child. Opposition slogan was: “Ma, ma, where’s my pa?”
William McKinley. Shot in the abdomen by an anarchist in Buffalo.
Theodore Roosevelt. Republican. Larger-than-life leader who faced obstacles head-on. Said was: “He’s not an American. He is America.”
1909-1913 the 27th president was William Howard Taft. Republican. He called the White House “the loneliest place in the world.”
Be it known that Abraham Lincoln once said: “A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.” Yeah? Well, somewhere he should see B’way’s “Oh, Mary!” get its Tony.
Only in America, kids, only in America.
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